HIGH FIDELITY

We live in a culture of writing — with the exponential growth of email, IM, texting and blogging over the past decade, there is more writing (usually typing) happening now than in any previous period in history. But there’s one discipline in which writing is of only secondary use: client services. Unless you’re a very good writer, it’s hard to communicate shades of emotion or meaning through a hastily written email or IM. And if there’s money on the line, why take the chance?

Here’s an example of where one or two spoken sentences would have worked a whole lot better than a hamfisted letter. From my building management:

“Dear Joshua,

It has recently come to the attention of the management office that you are keeping a pet in your apartment. You may not be aware, but the presence of a pet or animal in your apartment constitutes a breach of your lease agreement…Our policy as of June 1, 2005, states that we no longer accept dogs. All residents with dogs leased with us prior to June 1, therefore, the dogs are “grandfathered” into the building from our previous pet policy.”

Please remove the dog from the premises within one week or we will be forced to refer the matter to our attorney…Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

– Residential Manager, Liberty Towers”

Now, I am not a bad tenant. I have paid literally over $100,000 to this building management over the past 3.5 years (I need to buy a place, obviously), and my rent is never late, we’re not loud, nor do we leave stinky garbage outside our door or steal our neighbors’ papers. I am a dream tenant. Why would they risk losing me? There is a huge number of rental units coming online in Jersey City this year, and this massive new supply is bound to keep their rents flat.

So here’s my reply:

“Hi Maryann,

In response to your recent inquiry about the latest addition to my family, the animal in question is a Chihuahua. I’m not sure you’d really refer to him as a dog. He weighs 3 pounds. He’s about half the size of a lean cat, considerably smaller than a newborn baby. He generally does not go outside, and instead uses a litter box. He most commonly travels in my wife’s handbag. He is literally the size of a guinea pig.

In terms of the issues associated with normal-sized dogs – urinating and defecating near the back entrance of the building, tearing up apartments and common areas, barking, howling, being aggressive and nasty – NONE of these issues pertain to our Chihuahua. He causes significantly less damage and noise than a newborn human baby (we’re planning on having one of those too, let me know if you see any issues with that).

I don’t think we need to call the lawyers in on this one. I apologize for not requesting permission in advance; let this letter be our formal request. In terms of a ban on dogs per se, I was not aware of this policy, nor is there anything whatsoever in my lease (or its addendums) to this effect. So there is no legal claim to be made on this point.

At any rate, I would like to work this out and move forward, so let me know how we can do this.

Thanks.”

In the end, like most things, it will probably just come down to money.